The Opposite of Nonchalant

Hello. It Me.

The one thing you should know about me is that, quite literally since birth, I have had zero chill. My lore includes: my mom almost dying during childbirth with me; developing an unhinged crush on a fifth grader named Megan Jenkinson when I was in third grade and trying to win her over with a macaroni necklace during craft time; constantly reinventing my “look” in college because I was so determined not to “be like the other guys”; sending a $200 care package to a girl I met on a dating app that I never actually met IRL; moodboarding for months just to find my signature scent — yes, I’m that guy; and most recently, taking forever to publish my first Substack piece because I care way too much about everything being perceived exactly the way it plays out in my head.

I used to get so annoyed at myself — and honestly, some days I still do — why can’t I just be like other guys? (even though I also spent half my life trying so hard not to be like them — but alas, here we are.) why can’t I just BE NORMAL (whatever that means)? why can’t I turn off this constant inner monologue?

But the older I get, the more gracious I am toward myself. I’ve come to mostly accept that caring so deeply is just who I am — the opposite of nonchalant.

So: that’s this Substack. The Opposite of Nonchalant.

The name was born when a friend casually described himself as a “nonchalant guy” and I thought, must be nice — I’m literally the opposite of nonchalant. But then I realized… there isn’t really a perfect word that’s the opposite of nonchalant. “Anxious,” “intense,” “passionate” — are all options — but none of them fit me perfectly. It depends on the context.

Nonchalant implies a mix of calm, indifference, and emotional detachment.

The opposite of that is more layered — it’s not just caring, it’s caring a lot, feeling everything, and often showing it.

apparently i’m very verbose with my emotional regulation

There are a lot of reasons I started this Substack.

By profession, I’m an attorney — and while I genuinely enjoy what I do, I try to leave my work at work. It’s not my whole personality, and honestly, I think it’s probably the least interesting thing about me.

I’ve always been drawn to self-expression, and writing has always felt like the most natural format.

See, I’ve always enjoyed creative writing and talking about myself.

I tried the TikTok thing, but it felt… superficial? Sure, there’s a certain corner of TikTok that’s educational and radical — doing the important work of decolonizing us as a collective — but let’s be honest, that’s not most of it. I also have real concerns (more on this in a future piece) about how TikTok is shaping us: the consumerism, the groupthink, the dopamine-fueled scroll that’s quietly rotting our attention spans. I didn’t want to be one more voice in the noise — adding to the chaos, feeding the algorithm.

So TikTok was out.

I love Instagram, because I love aesthetics and capturing moments visually, but the truth is: I HAVE SO MANY THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS (see: the name of this Substack) that writing just feels like the right container. Maybe there’ll be more later — we’ll see.

But at the core of it, I think I’m just tired of hiding.

Hiding my thoughts.

My feelings.

My many opinions.

Little things about myself that I love — that I’ve kept quiet because I’ve been afraid of how I’ll be perceived. Because somewhere in the back of my mind, I’ve always imagined that my future wife is out there… reading this. And I’ve been afraid of being misunderstood by her — of being quietly passed over for not fitting the image of what a South Asian guy is “supposed” to be.

Not because I think I’m better than that image — but because I’ve always felt like I was built a little differently, and I didn’t know if that would be seen as something lovable or something to be tolerated.

I know that makes me sound like a total pick-me.

But if I’m being honest, love has always been my greatest pursuit — and almost everything I’ve done in life, I’ve done with the lens of “What will my future wife think? How does this fit into the larger narrative of my life?”

Over the last few years, though, something has shifted. I’ve found faith. I’ve started building a relationship with my deen. And slowly, that inner monologue has started to change —

Less “What will my future wife think?”

More “What will God think?”

The focus shifted — not just on decentering my future wife from the picture of everything I do, but on centering God in it.

How can I be a vessel for khayr (goodness), while still expressing myself honestly and creatively? Enter: this Substack.

I don’t have all the answers — far from it — but I think this space might help me make sense of things out loud. Or at the very least, feel less alone in the process.

So anyway, that’s me — thx for reading 🤪

I can’t promise that everything I write will be relatable to everyone, Pulitzer-worthy, or even entirely coherent… but I can promise it’ll always be medium-spicy, self-aware, earnest, FULL OF FEELINGS, introspective, and a little bit fun.

very (nonchalantly) yours x,

A.Q